Naruhime
by enzhe
Summary: Think the Yondaime Hokage is scary? Try asking out his daughter. AU, FemNaru, crack, fluff, series of short one shots.
1. the giant head thing

Minato finds Naruto on the roof, sulking. Knees drawn up and bottom lip stuck out in that adorable pout that always makes it so hard not to cave and give her whatever she wants whenever she wants it. Being the most feared ninja of the elemental nations is nothing to parenting a teenage daughter.

He moves to tousle a hand in her hair, but takes in the carefully styled ponytails just in time, and reroutes to her shoulder. Which is clad, not in an attention-demanding tracksuit, but a cute little summer dress. The dauntless Hokage feels his left arm tingle with the warning signs of a heart attack. It is a very little dress. He's the genius of space-time jutsu, right? How can he have failed in his attempts to keep his adorable little tomboy from unfolding into exactly this kind of all-too-stunning butterfly?

His daughter lets out the tiniest of heartfelt whimpers, jutting that bottom lip out even further. She caught the delay in his attention.

With a sinking feeling that he has jumped into water he will never be able to swim, Minato settles down beside her, elbows resting on drawn-up knees and hands dangling loosely between them. Naruto immediately nestles her head against his shoulder.

_Gather your courage, man, _Minato tells himself, and bites the proverbial kunai.

"What's the matter, sweetheart?"

The tragic look on his daughter's face seems terribly inappropriate as accompaniment for the words that come spilling out, but Minato learned the hard way—two decades or so ago, with Kushina—to never scoff over a woman's heartbreak, no matter how small or inconsequential it may seem.

"I was totally sure Haku was gonna ask me out—and he's so nice, Daddy!—I thought he would for a while, but it's taking him forever, and then when he _finally _got around to it, Iruka-sensei popped out of nowhere and gave him such a horrible lecture that he ran away!" These last words were delivered with a chin wobble and suddenly overbright eyes. Minato manages to keep the surge of relief that swept the initial panic of Naruto talking about dates with boys from reaching his face—he's not Hokage for nothing.

"Da-a-a-ddy," Naruto continues, and despite his inner glee that the event she's so unhappy over prevented her from spending time alone with an all-too-suitable suitor, Minato feels bad for her apparent misery. "No one's ever asked me out before! All the other girls get dates—whether they're kunoichi or civilians, it doesn't matter—but even though I act like a girl most of the time now, none of the guys look at me like that! Or if they do, those stupid Uchiha brothers chase them away, and when they're not around _Iruka_ appears and does his freaky giant-head thing! It's not faaaaair!"

Not feeling the least bit guilty for his part in making sure no boy with the brains to add two and two missed the probable consequences of looking at his daughter in _that_ way, Minato puts a warm arm around her and pulls her close.

"No rush, Princess," he offers comfortingly, and they finish watching the sunset together. After some minutes he asks after Sasuke, and just as he'd hoped, his little Naruto cheers right up and guffaws over her latest successful Torment-The -Uchiha scheme. These little plots of hers really are ingenious….

Later that evening, an apprehensive Umino Iruka answers a summons to the Hokage office, wondering nervously what could have had him called before his Hokage so late at night. His nerves are not helped when the Yondaime leaps jovially to his feet and claps him heartily on the back.

"Iruka!" Exclaims the illustrious leader, beaming. "How do you feel about a promotion? A raise? You've earned your Hokage's respect, young man!"


	2. the Uchiha thing

When Sasuke is two, he is willful, stubborn, observant, adoring, and undeniably adorable. He loves his Nii-san and picking fights with Naru-chan. He does not like to share.

When Sasuke is seventeen, he is exactly the same as he was when he was two. Some things, Itachi muses, leaping over a rooftop to cut off his foolish little brother's attempted sabotage of Naruto's current activities, simply do not change.

Not that Itachi would particularly mind seeing Naruto's current activities sabotaged, though he does hate to see Naru-chan sad, which she might be if things were to discontinue their current unexpectedly smooth and pleasant course. But his duty as the personal bodyguard of the Yondaime's only child must come first. And, as Sasuke fails to suppress the tiny bit of killing intent he starts projecting in direct response to hearing his childhood playmate laugh, it cannot be argued that Itachi's adorable otouto is anything but a threat.

Threats must be eliminated.

"Hello, Little Brother," Itachi intones peaceably, in direct contrast to the razor-sharp, nearly invisible ninja wire he has whipped about Sasuke while materializing behind the boy in far less time than it would take to blink.

"Gah!" says Sasuke. And nearly lights a nearby puppy on fire with the intensity of his glare as the mortification of his reaction catches up with him. The puppy tucks its tail between its legs and scampers away, whimpering pitifully, while Itachi playfully bops his brother on the head as a genial reminder to deactivate his sharingan.

"I thought you were off duty tonight," Sasuke hisses, giving Itachi the stink eye (though without the sharingan this time) and gnashing his teeth.

Yes, reflects Itachi philosophically, Sasuke's scowl is every bit as adorable as it was when he was two.

"Schedules were rearranged to accommodate Akihiro-sama's wish to spend more time exploring the village," Itachi explains, feeling a little sorry for his foolish brother as more peals of delighted laughter drift past the hangings half-shrouding the patrons of Ichiraku's ramen stand. Well, they would more accurately be described as raucous guffaws than delighted peals, but Itachi is, after all, always a gentleman.

Sasuke does not seem to be very grateful for this helpful information. "Let me go," he snarls, struggling unwisely against his bindings. Itachi tsks disapprovingly, thinking unhappily of their mother's reaction to finding her younger son covered with wire welts—again. If only Sasuke would remember to gracefully accept defeat rather than twitching and spitting like an angry alley cat.

"Gladly, Otouto. Simply give your word that you will immediately take a course opposite to the one you were previously pursuing and have nothing further to do with Namikaze-san tonight, and you will be released without delay."

Sasuke's right eye twitches. "You can't tell me not to walk here," he declares, looking up at his brother balefully. "It's within my rights as a citizen of Konoha. This is false arrest."

Itachi looks at him.

Crickets chirp. Someone shouts about Youth in the distance.

Sasuke's shoulders fall in defeat. Naruto's voice rings out in bright enthusiasm.

"…get it, dattebayo! I like you, Aki-kun!"

"I most heartfully return those sentiments, Naruto-hime!" comes the smooth reply of the Fire Daimyo's second nephew, and Sasuke momentarily gets that anguished look common to those who have been force-fed a generous portion of Chili-of-Life before regaining the stoic façade requisite of his clanship. His killing intent does not subside quite so quickly.

Itachi, suprisingly, is feeling more in tune with his otouto than usual at the moment, and doesn't so much as poke him in the forehead for this transgression. This entire state of affairs is greatly unsettling. The last emissary of Daimyo—Akihiro-sama's brother Akihiko, specifically—spent so much time looking disdainfully down his nose that Naruto dubbed him "Snooty-pants-kun" and absentmindedly referred to him in that manner until he left the village (curiously unaware of the fact that he was dressed neck-to-toe in exceedingly youthful green spandex) at the end of some rather unsuccessful negotiations. This was a great relief to quite a varied assortment of Konoha ninja, each of whom had some reason or other to fear the advantageous union of the Hokage's and Daimyo's families the latter had so heavily hinted at. Naruto was Not Interested.

So when Akihiko's identical twin Akihiro was appointed as the Daimyo's next envoy, concerns were mild and precautions few. Even Yondaime-sama let his guard down a little. Which is how Naruto is now acting as Akihiro-sama's personal tour guide to Konoha—a tour which seems to consist mostly of extolling the history and virtues of each and every flavor available at Ichiraku Ramen.

Akihiro-sama, quite unexpectedly, shows every sign of savoring every moment. And, as directly correlated to the growing intensity of Sasuke's killing intent, so is Naruto.

Very clever, Daimyo-sama, Itachi concedes. Very clever indeed. He is almost sure that the rumors of the green spandex prank alone were enough to win Akihiro-sama's undying devotion. And Naruto, with her insatiable appetite for attention and unholy glee over "finally going on something that's almost a date (wait 'til I tell Sakura-chan)!" is lapping it up with charm and gusto.

Ichiraku's curtains are parting. Akihiro-sama extends a confident hand to the cute blonde polishing off the last of an impressive tower of ramen vessels, his pleasant voice carrying easily to the shadowed rooftop the Uchiha brothers currently occupy.

"Perhaps I can come back and visit you again soon, Naruto-hime? I would love to tell you the results of the brilliant pranks you've suggested I use against Snooty-pants-kun—"

Naruto emerges, her whiskered face glowing with one of those huge Uzumaki grins that come very close to rivaling the morning sun. Itachi is alarmed, and begins subconsciously concocting a slew of preemptive strategies—

"Yeah, yeah!" beams Naruto, throwing her hands behind her head. Still bound tightly with wire, Sasuke violently chokes on nothing. "—it'll be a da—"

Deciding it is time to sacrifice in the name of a higher law, Itachi grabs his little brother, tosses him on an arching trajectory that will land him soundly at his teammate's feet, and toasts him with a fireball on the way down for good measure.

For the second time that night, Sasuke declaims in a most undignified manner. Fortunately, his latest embarrassment is not really audible over Naruto's shriek.

"AGH! SASUKE! ARE YOU OKAY?"

And in the next moment, the pavement outside Ichiraku's momentarily disappears beneath a brief flash-flood resulting from the overpowered suiton jutsu Naruto uses to put her teammate out.

"Ehehehehe…" Naruto chuckles weakly, hauling Sasuke to his feet and sending a sheepish glance at her erstwhile companion. "Sorry, Aki-kun—you're kinda drenched…ehh…Sasuke, why are you tied up?"

Sasuke's growl is nothing short of murderous; every one of his muscles is trembling with rage. "I..ta…chi…"

Naruto sweatdrops, and cuts his bonds with a kunai. Despite the sudden violence and his sopping state, Akihiro-sama seems to be very intrigued by the fact that this lethal weapon appeared from somewhere underneath Naruto's rather skimpy skirt. Itachi is not pleased by this. He uses a teleportation jutsu to appear at his charge's side, making sure to look extra intimidating.

"Namikaze-sama," he begins formally, while Naruto bodily prevents Sasuke from lunging at him. "This miscreant was observed leaking murderous intent in your vicinity. I will dispose of him."

"Ehh, Itachi-nii!" protests Naruto, still supporting/restraining her teammate, oblivious to the fact that he does not need her help and would ordinarily have shoved her quite forcefully to the outer limits of his large personal bubble were he not so busy glaring the Daimyo's nephew into wetting himself. At least, that is what Sasuke malignantly hopes the other young man will do. "Today's MY day for Sasuke-Torture!" continues Naruto, whining. Akihiro-sama takes one look at her pout and nearly collapses onto the puddled street, hearts in his eyes and laughter on his lips. Itachi cannot believe his plan has failed.

_Urgent Enact Plan B _signs Sasuke to Itachi, fingers flickering deftly through secret ANBU symbols.

_Negative No Plan B_ returns Itachi, interested to observe whatever desperate measure Sasuke may resort to next.

A desperate measure is exactly what Sasuke resorts to. Turning swiftly in Naruto's arms, the steam still rising from his alternately burned and doused clothing, he wraps one arm around her to prevent escape and uses the other one to hold her face in place. Even with her quick reflexes, Naruto is just beginning to react—

"—WHA!" she squawks—

-when Sasuke covers her mouth with a magnificent kiss.

For a moment, everything is frozen, except for the microscopic twitch at the very corner of Itachi's mouth that may, given a bounteous future, barely blossom into a smile.

Sweet oxygen finds its way back into Naruto's astonished lungs.

"KONO YAROU!" she bellows, punting a strangely day-dream-dazed Sasuke several blocks down the street. Innocent (well, mostly not-so-innocent, as it is a ninja village) pedestrians move aside as the junior police chief skids along the road, hastily making way for the enraged juggernaut of wronged female storming after him. "I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT! I'M GONNA SHAVE YOUR HEAD! AND DYE IT GREEN! WITH ORANGE POLKA-DOTS, SASUKE, _ORANGE!_ THEN I'M GONNA HANG YOU FROM HOKAGE MOUNTAIN BY WHATEVER UNDEWEAR YOU'RE WEARING, AND SELL THE REST TO YOUR FANGIRLS-"

As her roars become indistinct and the dust cloud billowing in her wake disappears into the distance, Itachi turns gravely to the slack-mouthed prince.

"Ah, yes," the Uchiha observes clinically, "that is what happened the last time someone kissed her, as well."

"R…really?"

Itachi merely raises an eyebrow.

"Please allow me to escort you back to your accommodations, Akihiro-sama," he offers graciously. "Naruto-sama will not be available for some time. She just made several promises to my foolish little brother, and she always keeps her word."

And thus the Daimyo's plans are frustrated for yet another night. Once his ANBU mask is back in place, Itachi smiles.

**A/N: Not so happy with this one… and it just kept getting worse, to I stopped. Where did it go wrong? Please help! **


	3. the world domination thing

As with every other issue of National Security, Minato has a system.

For those ninja foolish enough to be caught using their eyes in any way that might fit the definition of "ogling" a certain up-and-coming kunoichi, the Yondaime Hokage keeps a very special mission scroll. It is innocently stamped with the letter "D".

These are not just any D-ranks. Oh no. The Notorious Tora is only one of the low-paying horrors waiting to be handed out with an icy warning in those smirking blue eyes.

Inuzuka Kiba had the misfortune of seeing nothing but this scroll for weeks. While his teammates will never tell, not even Shino could suppress a sympathetic shiver when he and Hinata awoke to both dog and master whimpering pitifully in their sleep when these missions revisited them in their darkest dreams.

For those reckless idiots who dared do more than ogle—say, chat for too long _while_ ogling, or find their hands wandering towards that slender waist or those smooth, supple shoulders—well, there's nothing an overconfident chuunin needs more than a good taijutsu review. Hokage-seal-stamped "recommendations" to spend a little time with Konoha's resident taijutsu specialists has caused more than one love- (or hormone) -struck warrior to keel over on the spot.

Hopefully Konoha's enemies never learn how utterly debilitating the offhand mention of "spring" or "youth" can be to the survivors of the Springtime of Youth.

And while no one has gone so far as to elicit the next level of the Hokage's wrath—yet, Minato thinks wickedly, lips twisting in an absolutely fiendish grin—well, he is nothing if not prepared. In fact, he has a special little drawer full of nothing but gilt-edged invitations to lunch with Morino Ibiki.

_Ah yes, _Minato promises silently, slender fingers steepling in the time-honored fashion of those plotting World Domination. _Try being perverted around my daughter NOW. _

Namikaze Naruto skips down the street, chattering away happily to a sweetly attentive Hyuuga Hinata. They are the epitome of a lovely sight, all shining hair and brightly gorgeous eyes and captivatingly feminine figures; the kind of vision to warm the hearts of all who saw them. Which made the fact that male shinobi of all ages were running like Iwa Nin from the Yellow Flash himself upon glimpsing them all the more baffling.

"WAAAAAH!" wails Naruto, watching the ever stoic Aburame Shino hightailing it away before she has even finished raising her hand in greeting. She flings her head onto Hinata's sympathetic shoulder, arms waving dramatically. Hinata can only stare after her retreating teammate in consternation. "Hinata-chaaaaaan! WHYYYYY?"

As the Hyuuga pats her friend's soft golden head in sympathy, her eyes turned automatically to the behemoth monument carved over Konohagakure.

She is sure that fourth stone head smirked.

**A/N: In two minutes it will be my birthday! I have coconut horchata chilling in the fridge to start my birthday breakfast with... leave a review to celebrate? :)**


	4. the troublesome thing

Naruto wants to be Hokage.

Minato supports her ambition (though he does make sure she knows everything of the pain, burden, restriction, _horror _that come with the hat to the full extent that her security clearance level allows).

So Naruto is spending time that COULD be spent eating ramen, or baiting various Uchiha, or relaxing at the onsen with the girls, or challenging Fuzzy Brows to stupid battles his youthfulness prevents him from realizing are full-on prank wars... playing shogi.

With Nara Shikamaru.

"Troublesome," moans Shikamaru.

"You just won," points out Naruto. "AGAIN. How is that troublesome?!" her lips stick out and her arms fold under her breasts in a pout so classically cliched it really shouldn't be as effective as it totally is.

Shikamaru looks longingly to the clouds, wishing they would draw his attention and provide freeing space for thoughts like they always do. Always... unless he happens to be within sight of Naruto. Or within hearing.

Or just thinking about her, really.

Useless, traitorous, troublesome clouds.

The corner of his eye catches the shift of pout to pre-battle stretch.

"Whatever, Cloudboy! I'm not losing to you!" and she's setting up the board again with near-genuine enthusiasm, proving that she has taken her father's admonishments very much to heart. In spite of her strong natural aversion to any and every quiet, concentrated, seated, thinking exercise. "This time I'm gonna last a whole THREE minutes! WATCH OUT!"

Shikamaru retreats behind his eyelids with an earnest sigh. There are far too many blondes in his life.

If only he could bring himself to avoid any of them. …Particularly this one. Getting out of 'friendly' spars with the supremely annoying Uchiha Sasuke is just one of the many ridiculous side affects of associating with the Tremendously Troublesome Namikaze Naruto.

Who has already made an opening move and is taunting him expectantly (adorably). If he didn't know she would _know _through that supernatural extra sense she possesses, and be utterly furious to hide how deeply hurt she is every time she is coddled or patronized or shown any type of preferential treatment, he would go easy on her and let he reach her goal of lasting three whole minutes.

Then again, she has never played the same way twice, so whatever unexpected tactic she tries this time (once he reminds her how the rules work when she inevitably tries to break them) just might work.

"Ne, Shikamaru," she says, and he glances up at the weight of her tone. "Can't you just play shogi for me?"

Shikamaru frowns.

"I mean when I'm Hokage," Naruto continues, as if that should be obvious. "Tou-chan says I have to play shogi 'cause that's what Hokages do. With politics and stuff. You could be, like, my super-advisor! Always by my side, out-maneuvering all evil plots, super badass advisor-man! YEAH!"

Scenes of 'always by her side' fly through his mind faster than he can redirect them. Shikamaru looks at her and says: "No. That would be dangerous to my health."

She scowls at him. "EH?! What's that supposed to mean? You know I'll always protect you!"

This is true. Too bad there is one person in the shinobi world who can still beat Naruto every time.

"Fine," grumbles Naruto. "Be a jerk. But if you won't help me with that, help me with my other problem!"

He raises one eyebrow, uncommitted, and listens warily.

She leans forward, intent cloudless-sky eyes, mischievously pursed lips, metal-soap-ramen-orchid scent assaulting all at once. "Tell me how to get a date."

Shikamaru stares. Blinks. Glowers. Moves a shogi piece. Frowns defiantly at her accursed adorableness. "No."

"Whyyyyyy? Shikamaruuuuuuuu! Help me! Help me help me help me—" somewhere in that entreaty, she moves a shogi piece of her own.

Shikamaru answers the move, not seeing the board even as he stares fiercely at it. "I won't aid you in courting other men."

A whine breaks off into a giggle. "Courting other men? Hehehehe. That sounds so weird, Shika. No no no, I just want to go on cheesy, romantic dates, with cute guys like you!"

There is nothing appropriate he can say to that.

"P.S., I win," crows Naruto.

A/N: I read the latest manga chapter (649) and then I came up with this. Thank you, Kishimoto-sama, for inspiring once again :) (Anyone else's ninja-love re-invigorated by recent chapters? Oh _Naruto_, the cannon and fannon that I simultaneously love and am irritated by more than any other... but seriously, tell me what you think about how things are wrapping up! One of my life goals is to become friends with a fellow Naruto fan in real life. Everyone I know and love, while wonderful in many other ways, is utterly bewildered by my obsession and pretends it doesn't exist.


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